Friday 25 March 2016

Sweet rows

Sweet rows

Today is the best day of MY LIFE! I’m in a  chocolate FACTORY. I’m in this long hall there are these sweet rows of chocolate down and they have every kind of CHOCOLATE it’s amazing!  The chocolate comes out the bottom when you press the button on the tube. As I lie here and stuff my face with  caramel chocolate chips  writing this I wonder if there are chocolates somewhere in here that can FLY!  That would be so AWESOME that could just fly into my mouth!!  I have a plan I’m going to sneak some chocolates home because there’s some good stuff here! It’s home time and I think I put on like 2 kgs of chocolate today and like 2 more kgs of the chocolate that in my pockets.

 By Naomi
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11 comments:

  1. Ross Mannell (Team 100WC)28 March 2016 at 13:41

    Hello Naomi,

    Thank you for using bold to highlight the prompt words and making them very easy to find in your 131 word story. Your were able to use all five prompt words with only a minor change to “row”. Well done.

    As I read your story, I found I was dealing with a chocaholic, a person who loves chocolate perhaps as much as I do. What a wonderful day it would be to have free access to a chocolate factory. You were able to point out one down side, the weight we would gain. Again, well done.

    My suggestion might be to look at the use of "like" in your final sentence. It's something we might say or use in quotation marks if a person was speaking in our writing but not what might be used in the body of a story.

    I hope you can continue entering the 100WC. We need writers developing good writing skills to share their adventures.

    Ross Mannell (Team 100WC)
    Teacher (retired), N.S.W., Australia

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    1. Anonymous7 April 2016 at 15:29

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  2. Unknown31 March 2016 at 18:10

    Wow you have an amazing imagination keep it up

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  3. Anonymous6 April 2016 at 14:46

    This comment has been removed by the author.

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  4. Anonymous14 April 2016 at 15:24

    I love chocalate too

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  5. Unknown8 May 2016 at 16:23

    I love chocolate too

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  6. Anonymous8 May 2016 at 16:25

    Hey it Jamie I love chocolate too

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  7. Unknown8 May 2016 at 16:25

    This comment has been removed by the author.

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  8. Anonymous11 May 2016 at 14:47

    I Wonder what caramel chocolate chips taste like?
    You did a great good Naomi.

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  9. Anonymous25 May 2016 at 16:56

    Naomi when I was reading your story I could see the chocolate it looked so YUM.

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  10. Anonymous9 August 2016 at 17:33

    This is such a cool story just reading it makes my mouth water!

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